I was always an ‘all or nothing‘ kind of person. I would fall in love hard and I never knew my limits because I really did love fully and unapologetically. I always expected that in return as well, never knowing that for some people that was too much.
We were ‘almost’ in a relationship, ‘almost’ in love and ‘almost’ perfect for each other. But you see, my dear, ‘almost’ isn’t enough for me. It’s just an excuse.
When we met, all I could think about was you. I always thought of you and I would always talk about you. I don’t know what it was about you that made me so damn interested; maybe your mysterious personality and the way you made me laugh all the time. At one point you were even the only thing that could make me happy and make me feel alive.
I put so much hope in us. I thought of you as my soulmate because we were so alike. You would always call me and I didn’t think much about the fact that we didn’t go out that much. I simply thought that you had too much to do in your life and that you needed your space. I didn’t even think about the fact that you canceled dates last minute. I did think that it was rude but the love I felt for you blinded me completely.
One morning, I woke up thinking of you and I automatically looked at my phone to realize that no text was waiting for me. I thought about all the times we had been texting and that you were never the one who initiated a conversation. I remembered how you would call me every once in a while to check on me, ask me if I was still into you and that was it.
I really can’t remember if you were having commitment issues but I knew that every time I tried to talk to you about a relationship you’d tell me that it was fine just the way it was. My heart would tremble for a moment and I would feel shivers down my spine but I trusted you.
But I can still remember the day when I decided that it was enough. I tested you to see if you were going to text me and you didn’t. I wanted to see if you cared enough for me to actually check up on me to see if I was doing okay. Of course, my emotions were stronger than ever before but they didn’t stop me from making my decision.
It was like a relationship with the unknown and a constant game for control that I wasn’t able to see before. You had been holding me under control all this time and it made me realize that you never made me happy. It made me see that I was the only one in control of my happiness. That’s why I left.
I was done with the sweet words and I was done with you putting me on hold because you weren’t able to give up your single life for me. All this really did come to me overnight when I realized that you never made an effort to make me feel loved or appreciated. This all made me realize that I had lost myself for a while because I settled for ‘maybe’ when it should’ve been ‘all or nothing’.
You didn’t put any effort into making me know that you were truly interested in me. You only sent mixed signals and cheap flowers. Like flowers could ever make up for all the feelings I went through because of you. It simply wasn’t enough.
‘Almost’ will never be enough. ‘Almost’ is just an excuse for your unresolved issues and your disrespect toward women. Your ‘almost’ showed me that I should not settle for anything less than what I deserve. And, for sure, I don’t deserve an ‘almost’.
I deserve something that’s enough. I deserve surprise dates and goodnight texts. I deserve loyalty and I deserve love. I deserve the truth and a long list of other things you weren’t able to give me because of your ‘almost’.
Your ‘almost’ simply wasn’t enough for me. Your ‘almost’ made me open my eyes when I was too blinded by love to realize who I was—that I was a woman who was worthy of way more than just an ‘almost’.