• January 13, 2018

The Funniest (And Most Brutal) Horoscope For Each Zodiac Sign

 

 

 

1. Aries

You are one of the funniest zodiac signs, but people don’t see that right away. Only when they spend some time with you and when you relax, they will see how fun to talk to and easy going you are.

Whenever you talk, everyone else listens, but once you finish half of the joke, people are already rolling around on the floor laughing. You have a talent for telling funny stories, and when you tell some, you never laugh. Maybe that’s why people find it interesting and fun.

You got used to crap in your life, so there will be a lot of times when you will do something that is not good for you, but you won’t admit it because you are ashamed of people’s reactions. You fall in love pretty easily, so you will have a lot of partners. You will never be able to get over the previous one and fully be in love with the next one, so you will always fight with women.

You are a very dedicated friend, so your friends will act protected and safe when they are with you. When someone touches you where you are sensitive, you will show them your badass side, and your horns will probably end up in their butt.

 

2. Taurus

You are like an emotional roller coaster all the time. At one point you are up, and at another one you are so down that nobody can help you. But the most important thing is that you always find a way out.

Your main characteristic is that you like to exaggerate, so you will tell people that you did something even if you didn’t just to look good in their eyes. For example, you can tell someone that you slept with that hot girl standing at the bar just to show them what you are capable of.

But in fact, that was the first time you saw that girl. You like to show off because that is what makes you feel good. You are always in a hurry, but in fact, you don’t know where to go. You are energetic, anxious and pushy, and you want to finish things on time.

You like to be right all the time, so you will pick a fight with anyone if you want to. That is what fulfils you and makes you feel good about yourself. You are pretty stubborn, so you will probably hold onto grudges and blame others for things they never did.

But all in all, you have a pure and clean heart, and a million dollar smile!

 

3. Gemini

You are some sort of mix of philosopher and comedian. At first you are pretty shy, but when you get to know the people around you, you relax and start to tell all kinds of crazy shit.

You are anxious and calm at the same time, and you sweat the small stuff all the time. You pick meaningless fights with old people, and you feel great when you see them running away from you.

You don’t know how to dance well, so you get drunk at parties, and you look like you are hunting someone in the room. People like you because you are fun and easygoing, but the truth is that you don’t love people—only those who, by your taste smell well.

You pay attention to personal hygiene, so you will take a shower 3 times a day if needed, but you don’t want people to tell you that you stink. When with women, you think of all the things you will ask them in advance just to make sure that everything goes by plan. You are pretty anxious, and sometimes that is what makes you look so funny but at the same time sweet and positive.

 

4. Cancer

The catch with you is that you get into so much shit all the time, and instead of telling your friends all about it, you mock yourself and your bad luck.

Good for you that nowadays, it is okay to mock yourself because nobody will find it odd. You are not the type of person who likes to go out so much, so you can stay at home for 2 weeks and still have a good time.

You are also not talented for any sports because you lose your breath even when you climb the stairs. That’s why every day for you is Friday and a Netflix kind of chill, and you enjoy it. You are a good friend, and people often take advantage of that.

Even if you are the friend who always drives drunk people home, they don’t cherish you for that. Maybe it is the truth that you simply have bad luck and that no matter how much you try, you can’t be happy and relaxed because danger might always come uninvited.

 

5. Leo

It is not unknown that you like to be in the spotlight wherever you go, but for most people that is irritating as fuck. You always interrupt others while talking. You catch every girl even if you already have one, and you compete in drinking beer just to show off in front of some girls.

But the catch is that underneath it all, there is a shy boy who just wants to be appreciated and accepted. This is the only reason you do shit like banging the door when something is not like you wanted and acting badass in front of your opponents.

The only thing that is important to you is that people like you and that they see a hero in you. Believe it or not, you are still living in the time of heroes who save the world, and you consider yourself to be the main one.

You don’t think falling in love is important, so you’d rather seduce a couple of girls at the same time, promise eternal love to each one of them, and vanish as soon as you get in their panties.

 

6. Virgo

The funniest thing about you is that you are a freaking cleaning freak! You clean even those places that are not your own like the public toilets or public transportation.

You can’t live where it is a lot of dirt, so going for a barbecue in nature is a mission impossible for you. And because of that, your friends laugh at you. They can’t believe that someone is obsessed with cleaning so much. It is like you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

But no matter how much everyone laughs at you, you never stop what you started. You always make sure that you wear underwear, two socks of the same color, and your hair needs to be air-dried every time to prevent damaging. You always take care of yourself, and you can’t relax.

But you should know that too much worry can actually make you look bad in front of the others and drain you totally. So, it would be great if you could just pump your brakes and step out of your comfort zone. I am sure you will like it.

 

7. Libra

You are crazy as fuck and whatever you say becomes a hilarious joke! You like to tell jokes about others but about yourself as well. That’s why people like you, and they always spend time with you.

Your bad side is that you like to tell some white lies which always make you look better than you are. You don’t do that because you are evil but just so people would accept you more easily.

When being with women, you tell them some serious shit about your adventures around the world, and saving innocent kids and old ladies. You do this just to look good in their eyes and to get into their panties a lot more easily.

When you think about it more, it seems that the only thing which keeps you alive is sex with strangers and imported beer. You would probably sell your own mother for a chance with a good pair of legs, and you would sleep like a baby afterward.

 

8. Scorpio

The thing about you is that you think that you are funny, but you are actually not. Wherever you tell jokes, people just roll their eyes and leave the room because you tell some things that a child in 2nd grade wouldn’t tell.

But that is not the reason to not laugh at your own jokes and make others think what the hell is wrong with you. You are pretty relaxed in life, so it doesn’t matter to you if you wear a creased shirt and if your pants are dirty from yesterday’s football game.

You still think that you are amazing and because of that you have enormous self-esteem which nobody can ruin. With girls, you are pretty honest, and you don’t know to play mind games to bring them into bed.

Instead, they use you in all the possible ways, but you never think badly about them because you are a true gentleman.

 

9. Sagittarius

When you enter the room, everybody keeps quiet because they know you will say something funny. Or you will probably stumble on something on the floor and fall down, so you will laugh with them as well.

You are so clumsy, and you never even try to work on that. You just go with the flow, and you don’t worry what will happen next.

Even when you are trying to seduce a woman, you don’t try so much, so there is a chance that you will try to seduce a girl while there is bolognese sauce around your mouth. You think that enjoying life is the most important thing and that you shouldn’t sweat the small stuff.

You live every day like it is your last, and you don’t regret all the things you did. If you had another chance, you would probably do them in the same way.

10. Capricorn

You don’t like to laugh and to share your ‘moments’ with others. Instead, you always remain serious, and you keep your mouth shut, looking at others and evaluating them in your head.

That’s why some people might think of you as a weird guy who just sits in the company of people he never shares anything with. But you have a hard time relaxing in front of strangers, especially when you know that if you say something, it would probably be the dumbest thing ever.

That happens because you are pretty nervous, and you would like others to like you. So, those who don’t know you can give up on trying to talk to you because all they will get is a cheesy face and a fart because of your anxiousness.

Sometimes, it is better to leave people alone than to push them, right? Otherwise some serious shit can happen!

11. Aquarius

You do whatever you like and you don’t give a damn about what others might think about it. You hobby is singing, and you do it no matter where you are. In most cases, it looks like someone shot you, and you are crying because of the pain.

That’s why people find you annoying because they see that you don’t think of them at all. You see that you are sometimes annoying as well, but you don’t give a fuck about that. You have a restless spirit ,and if you want to run around naked, you will do that.

You don’t mind what people might think about you, and you always do things your way. In love you are extremely relaxed, so in most cases, your partner will leave you because you didn’t make enough effort.

You think that once you find a partner, you don’t need to do anything else, but that way of thinking can sometimes cost you a lot.

12. Pisces

The catch about you is that you want to be funny by telling jokes about sex, but you don’t know that you tell those jokes badly, so you should quit telling them.

You are always trying to show off to those around you, telling things that didn’t happen. You want others to look at you like at God himself, but you are not doing anything to be the best version of yourself. You don’t know how to keep secrets, so most people find you childish.

You always say that you will do something, but in the end, you do whatever you want. You have a soft heart for animals, and you suffer when they suffer, but you don’t mind if some people die. You think that it is the way things are supposed to happen, and you just get over it. You are pretty funny by just showing up because you never know how to match your pants with your shirt.

And the best part is that half of your ass can be seen every time you bend over. Yeah, just like a plumber!

"Be genuine to your self and you will ring genuine to the world "

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