Yes. I am broken. Broken to pieces that may never again fit the same way. Broken to the point where I cry about the mere thought of you and I die a little bit inside every single time someone tells me that you never loved me to begin with. But it’s fine. I will live through it. I will take back control over my life (eventually).
To my friends, I was always the strong one. They told me so many times that they admired me for always standing on my own two feet and always being in control of everything that was happening around me. Of course, I was putting effort into it. Something like that doesn’t just come together with someone’s personality. You have to work hard to keep everything intact in this chaotic world of ours. But for me, the chaos escalated and I wasn’t even sure what was happening.
I wasn’t shy, I was just introverted, so I didn’t bother to talk to people too much. But you were consistent. Initiating conversations and texting all throughout the day made me believe that you were truly interested in me. You used to claim that I was extraordinary and that there was something special about me that made you believe in love again. Cheesy lines like that were your specialty but I didn’t mind. I actually found it to be quite amusing.
You know how we women think. We always want to play it cool until we lose our mind from all that love that’s boiling inside. That’s exactly what happened with me. I wanted to take it slow. I wanted to get to know you better. But all it took was one smile and one look into your eyes to fall hard for you. I knew I was doomed to keep on falling without you ever catching me.
Once I had fallen hard for you, you simply started to push me away. My opinions, thoughts, worries, dreams and ambitions weren’t even interesting to you anymore. Was I ever interesting to you? Or did you just want a doll to play with?
In time, you told me that what I thought of the world was wrong. I listened to your reasons and with insults and false claims you convinced me that my opinion was ‘wrong’. But it didn’t end there. You continued that same manipulative behavior for months on end, simply to turn me into a puppet that you could control.
I was too in love to see what was going on! Of course, today I have stopped blaming myself but it took me quite some time to fall in love with myself again and to be OK with what happened, because I finally realized that there was no way that I could change that.
After some time, I wasn’t even in control of my own life. You were the one holding all the cards. You were the one telling me what to do, what to think, and all I thought about at the time was that you were opening my eyes to new things that I hadn’t been able to see before. I couldn’t see the problem that was obviously taking over my life.
When I wasn’t interesting to you anymore, when the game was done for you—you left. You left me with my mind confused and my heart ripped to shreds. You left without ever giving me a proper reason for it. But the biggest damage you caused was by taking the control over my own life away from me.
And now? Are you wondering what I’m doing now? Now I am trying to reclaim that same control that was taken away from me. Because I still think of what you would have done in certain situations but at least I don’t see you anymore in the face of every passer-by and I have stopped letting myself be influenced by what happened when I was just a victim of your manipulations.
I am finally free of everything you did to me but it will be a long time before I can say that you’re not in my mind or heart anymore. No matter how broken I might be because of you, no matter how devastated I was when you left, I am a strong woman and I will take back the control you took away from me. I will be fine. You just watch.