How many times have we started something and stopped? How many times did you awaken my love just to cause me pain? How many times have you said that this time will be different? How many times have you made a promise and then taken it back shortly after? Let me tell you, way too many times and it’s time you stopped serving me lies. It’s time I stopped believing them.
I believed in all those fairy tales of wrong timing and how the world conspired to break us apart every time we were on the verge of making something work or stepping onto the next level. But the truth of the matter is it was never about those outside factors. It was always about you – your laziness and unwillingness to go an extra mile for us.
I will never fully understand you. Being with you was like dealing with two completely opposite personalities in one man. You had your sweet, kind and loving side. The side I preferred to listen to. The one that was telling me stories of our future together in such a vivid way with words of certainty and decisiveness.
But nonetheless, they were just words because before I knew it, your other personality would take over and you would become someone else. Someone who goes AWOL, forgets to call or text for a few days in a row. Someone who all of a sudden hasn’t got time for me. Someone who had no problem in belittling me just so he could rise above me. Somebody so selfish and mean. Somebody I am not quite sure I know.
I believe in love that accepts all the good and the bad sides of somebody, but you were too much at times. Still, I couldn’t help loving you. I couldn’t stop caring. I couldn’t quit letting you back in every time you decided to go. I just figured we have to have good days and bad ones, that not everything needs to be sunshine and rainbows all the time, but somehow it was mostly bad with storms which never seemed to end.
I admire myself for putting up with your indecisiveness for so long. I am also ashamed and full of regret for allowing you to stay that long because the damage was so much greater for it. I should have known that regardless of everything else that was supposedly coming between us, your indecision was a decision.
You loved things being complicated. It was like an adrenaline rush, an adventurous game of going in and out of my life. Every time I thought you were not coming back, every time I went no contact and decided to move on you would do your best to lure me back in.
You would put on your A game. You would turn back to that sweet, loving and kind personality of yours. You would make me believe that anything is possible and that all things can be different this time around.
Sadly, they never were. No matter what, I would always be the one collecting pieces of my broken soul, crying myself to sleep thinking of all the things I should have never allow you to do, thinking how stupid I was for loving you, how ridiculous it was to even think that you could change.
And you always had one more excuse up your sleeve as to why things couldn’t work between us at that time. I guess I have heard them all—from work trouble, being too busy, not being in a good place right now to family situations that weren’t allowing you to engage in anything serious right now.
Let’s be honest—it was all bullshit. They were the excuses to cover-up the fact that you were an emotionally unavailable player who was not ready to commit. You would much rather play games and keep me close, but not too close, so you can drop into my life when it best suits you without even bothering to make a real effort.
The only efforts you made were those manipulative ones that were supposed to soften my already soft heart and make me forgive you for everything. They were always short-termed and filled with false promises and unrealistic stories. I don’t know if I ever believed you or I wanted to, so badly, that I would let things be and let you back in.
You see things were never that complicated. If you really cared about me you would move mountains to be with me. There wouldn’t be anything in your way because you would be sure and determined to make things happen between us.
You would never make promises you couldn’t keep. You would never awaken my love without any intention of staying. You would never tell stories. You would show me how much you care by using actions and by putting in immense efforts—the same efforts I was making for you, with the same patience, the same strength, the same understanding. But you never could do that and although it hurts deep down, I know it’s for the best.