Before I met you, I had a vision of what my man should be like.
Don’t get me wrong—this image of my perfect man had little to do with looks because that was the thing I least cared about.
But it had everything to do with his qualities and his personality.
This guy didn’t have to be flawless but I wanted him to have some personality qualities, which were my deal-breakers.
It was important to me that this guy wasn’t selfish, that he was ready to compromise, that he was willing to put some effort into our relationship and that he was honest.
Besides, it was important how this guy would make me feel and how he treated me.
Don’t get me wrong—I never wanted to be treated like a princess. Instead, I just wanted an equal partner who was ready to put me at the top of his priority list and someone who wouldn’t diminish me in any way possible.
I just wanted a man who would make me feel loved and special, without ever having to beg for his affection or attention.
I wanted a man who would make me feel safe and protected, a man I could rely on at all times. I wanted a man I could trust.
And when you came into my life, I thought that after many disappointments, I’d finally found everything I was looking for.
When you met me, you acted like you knew everything I wanted. So you kept telling me everything I needed to hear, to believe in your intentions toward me.
And after a while, you succeeded in making me believe in everything you had to say.
You convinced me that you were the man of my dreams.
You did everything in your power to prove your love to me, to convince me that you were loyal and to convince me you would do anything to make our relationship work out.
I was so happy that my dreams were coming true and I thought fate had finally sent me the right guy.
And then, all of a sudden, everything changed and fell into pieces. It was like I’d lost the man of my dreams overnight and I couldn’t figure out the reason why that was so.
All of a sudden, you’d become my worst nightmare. You started insulting me and belittling me in every way possible.
I felt you’d lost all respect for me and that our relationship meant nothing to you. I felt like I meant nothing to you and you made that very clear.
But despite that, you didn’t leave me and you weren’t ready to let me go.
It was like you enjoyed seeing me in pain and as if you enjoyed torturing me.
It took me a while before I realized you were actually emotionally abusingme and that this was something I wasn’t supposed to be putting up with.
And after years of your mistreatment and of your toxic behavior, I finally left you for good.
Of course, you weren’t ready to let me go without a fight.
But at that point, I was very well aware that you weren’t holding on to me because you loved me. Instead, you were doing it because I was a suitable victim for your narcissistic ego and you weren’t going to let that go so easily.
I was strong enough to understand that and to walk away from you, without ever looking back.
But I’ve never managed to understand why your sudden change of heart happened.
Did ve you ever love me? Was everything beautiful we went through just a lie? Did the man I fell in love with ever exist or was it all just a mask?
I don’t know whether you pretended to be someone else all of this time and then you thought you could show your true colors when you saw I had fallen for you or if something inside of you snapped and you changed.
For a long time, I blamed myself, thinking I did something to make this change happen.
Would you have stayed the same if I had given you more love? Would things be different if I had fought harder for us?
These were all the questions going through my head.
But now I know none of it was ever my fault.
And I know I will never get to the bottom of your personality and I will never know the truth.
But that is what matters the least.
Instead of focusing on you, I have to focus on myself and on my recovery. And this is exactly what I plan on doing.